The Evolving Grief of Parents: Who Knew Parenting Would Be So Full of Sadness?

It’s interesting, in my last blog about some of the feelings we may experience when our child comes out as LGBTQ+, it got me thinking about times in my own parenting journey when I experienced moments of grief.

I remember very clearly when my first born moved from being a child into her early teens years. As much as I felt excited to see her grow and bloom into the beautiful young lady she is now, I also found myself experiencing sadness that I wouldn’t have that little girl anymore. And, let’s be real, it was hard no longer being the ‘cool’ mom that she once looked up to.

Parenthood is an ever-changing journey with beautiful moments of joy along with difficult or challenging moments, and something we don’t alway talk about - the quiet shadow of grief. 

As our children grow from babies to toddlers to teens and then to adults (yikes), parents may find themselves grieving different aspects of their child's past, present, and future. Keep in mind, however, that this is not the case for every parent and everyone has different experiences. I only wish I had the heads up so that I could have known that this was normal and does happen to many parents.  

So, let’s talk about this quiet shadow of grief to better understand the unique grieving processes parents may experience as their children grow.

Infants to Toddlers: Lost Nostalgia

In the early stages, parents may grieve the loss of the newborn phase including early developmental milestones and the nostalgia of those first few months. Goodness, does that stage ever go by fast! I can still remember that peaceful feeling of my babies sleeping on me. I would stare at them as they slept, watching their funny and unique facial expressions. As babies become toddlers, parents may miss the connection and dependency they once had with their baby.

Toddlers to Early Childhood: Asserting their Independence

As babies enter early childhood, they begin to assert their independence. This may be especially difficult for parents who may enjoy their baby's dependency and the simplicity of managing a smaller child. You may experience feelings of pride mixed with a sense of loss. 

I also have a 5-year-old and, as she discovers new things, I’m proud to see her bravery and excitement grow as she becomes more independent. I’ll be honest, it’s hard to let her figure things out for herself. Letting go can be hard and I hate to break it to you, but you will have plenty of this as your children continue to grow. 

Pre-Teen to Teen: Changing Relationships

Entering the pre-teen stage, your child’s social world expands as they spend more time with friends and less time with family. This shift can make parents feel a sense of loss as their role changes from being the primary focus to only being part of a larger support system. This is also the stage when you’re no longer “cool”! I used to be their go-to person for advice and comfort, then suddenly, I “just didn’t get it”.  The hard truth is that we don’t completely understand, because their journey and experience is different from what ours was. Be patient, they’ll let you be part of their world eventually and, trust me, when that moment comes, it’s wonderful!

The Teen Years: Reminiscing on their Childhood

“Time flies” is what I find myself thinking very often these days. This can be a tough transition because our teens need us in the same way our toddlers do, but it can get prickly at times, to say the least.

I discovered that I am almost building a new relationship with my teens. As they continue to grow, so do I. Raising teenagers can be a particularly lonely experience as they continue to assert their independence and spend less time at home. It’s okay to be emotional; your children have outgrown their child-like tendencies and no longer need you in the same way.

Parenting is a roller-coaster of emotions. By not only understanding but also recognizing these feelings, parents can better navigate their own emotional landscape while also supporting their children's development. 

Remember, grief is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to feel when  your child is growing up. You may feel very little sadness mixed in with excitement, fear, or joy…there is no right or wrong way to feel! 

Cry when you need to cry, throw a pity-party with plenty of snacks, and make space for your sadness. Embrace each stage with its unique challenges and joys, and remember that grief is a testament to the deep love and connection you share with your child.